The Death of Mara Jade
by Icefire Queen
Summary: If you like/are obsessed with Mara Jade and the EU, do not read this. If you read it anyway, don't flame me: I warned you! Rated R for swearing... among other things -evil grin-
1. Mara Hears a Voice

Disclaimer: I do not own anyone/anything in this story. Except the sarcasm, that's all mine. No money is being made from this.  
  
  
  
  
  
A couple of weeks ago, in a galaxy too close for comfort.  
  
The Death of Mara Jade:  
  
The Universe Rejoices  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Mara Hears a Voice  
  
It was just after midnight.  
  
Voice: Mara.Mara.  
  
The voice was soft, insistent, written in italics.  
  
Voice: Mara.  
  
Sleeping in the Imperial Palace bedroom she sometimes shared with her husband, the lovely Mara Jade snored loudly and rolled over, leaving a puddle of drool on her pillow.  
  
Voice: Hey Mara, you stupid bimbo, wake up!  
  
Mara: (snapping awake) How dare you call me a bimbo, you disembodied voice, you!  
  
Voice: Well, you answered to it.  
  
Mara: I'll have you know that I am a Jedi Grand Master-- a goddesslike, undefeatable warrior! I am a gorgeous, spunky, sharp-shooting, perfect-in- every-way diEUty. And furthermore, I'm pregnant with Skywalker's son, who will be the most powerful being who ever held a lightsaber!  
  
Voice: If you're that great, why don't you go and kill all the Buysome Bong that are trying to invade?  
  
Mara: Uh, because I have morning sickness! Look, who the f*** do you think you are?!  
  
A blue aura appears. At its center is.  
  
Leia: Someone who hates you. (hastily) I mean LOVES you, yeah, loves you, that's right!  
  
Mara: Leia? You're DEAD?  
  
Leia: No, you imbecile, I'm--  
  
Mara: (not listening) Thank the Force, she's dead! Yahoo! Ding-dong, the witch is dead, which old witch, the Leia-witch--  
  
Leia: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU TWO-CREDIT HO!  
  
Mara: Oh.  
  
Leia: I'm in a darkandkewl coma!  
  
Mara: A darkandkewl coma? Isn't that like a stupidplottwist coma?  
  
Leia: Look, it doesn't matter. Just contact Luke and tell him to come to the planet What. It's the third planet in the Where sector.  
  
Mara: What?  
  
Leia: Yes, in the Where sector.  
  
Mara: Huh?  
  
Leia: No, that's the fifth planet in the Where sector.  
  
Mara: Wait, it's where?  
  
Leia: No, Wait is in the Why sector. Tell Luke What and Where.  
  
Mara: But I don't know!  
  
Leia: That's the eighth moon of the planet Who in the When sector! Are you even listening to me?  
  
Mara: Oh, just tell Luke yourself, you lazy b****.  
  
Leia: I wish I could, but for some reason, I can't contact him! Please help me, Mara, you're my only hope!  
  
Mara: Then I guess you're SOL.  
  
Leia: Oh, I guess I shouldn't have bothered you in the first place. After all, coming to rescue me would be dangerous and far beyond even your power.  
  
Mara: Huh? ExcEUse me? I KNOW I didn't just hear you say I'm not the baddest soon-to-be mother in the galaxy!  
  
Leia: Well, I WOULD prefer it if Luke came after me. I mean, in the OT, he WAS supposed to be the New Hope.  
  
The space crickets stop chirping. All is still.  
  
Mara: In the what?  
  
Leia: Never mind.  
  
The space crickets resume chirping.  
  
Mara: Hah, I'm stronger than that whipped loser-- I mean, my adoring husband-- could ever be! And to prove it to you, I'm gonna come and rescue you!  
  
She tries to leap out of the bed, intent on posing in the moonlight steaming from the window to show her imaginary audience how perfect she is. But her feet get tangled in the blanket and she falls to the floor with an ungraceful thump.  
  
Mara: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen!  
  
Leia's spirit snickers.  
  
Mara: Watch it, b****.  
  
Leia: Okay, sorry. Jeez.  
  
Mara: Now, where am I supposed to go?  
  
Leia: Yes.  
  
Mara: WHERE?  
  
Leia: Yes, Where. Then go to What.  
  
Mara: Look, just tell me what and where!  
  
Leia: I just did!  
  
Suddenly, a man in black appears at Mara's window.  
  
Man in Black: Stop! I can't take it anymore! This has gone on long enough!  
  
Mara and Leia: Who are you?  
  
Man in Black: I'm the guy who wrote that "Who's On First" sketch you two just slaughtered.  
  
The space crickets stop chirping.  
  
Mara and Leia: What?  
  
Man in Black: Never mind.  
  
The space crickets resume chirping.  
  
Man in Black: Look, Mara, here is a datapad or whatever you're calling them this week with the coordinates for the planet that Leia is on. Now, just take it and leave!  
  
Mara: Fine. Thanks for your help.  
  
Man in Black: Oh, and by the way, Luke is off on Yavin 4, which is why he's not here on Coruscant with Mara.  
  
Mara: Um, we already knew that.  
  
Man in Black: (mysteriously) Did you?  
  
The man in black suddenly disappeared into a convenient EU plot hole. And no, you won't be seeing him again.  
  
Leia: Now hurry up and get going! And be sure to leave a message for Luke!  
  
Mara: Oh, please, I can handle this. He can just play with his little PraxEUm until I get back.  
  
As Mara rushes out of the room, Leia slowly fades away. For some reason, she is wearing a huge grin and laughing.  
  
Leia: This is going to be a long night, my dear sister-in-law.  
  
  
  
[A/N] Please R/R! Flames NOT welcome. Next chapter up on Dec. 31st. Thanks! 


	2. Mara Takes a Hike

Disclaimer: See pg. 1  
  
[A/N]Okay, I lied, here's the next chapter. To my one reviewer (so far)-- don't worry, this is a five-chapter series. Thanks for not flaming. I hope everyone else is as nice.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Mara Takes a Hike  
  
Shortly after Chapter 1, Mara Jade boarded her Really-fast-souped-up-means- more-to-her-than-life-itself-really-cool-ultra-powerful-all-that-and-a-bag- of-chips-with-a-really-cool-name-including-the-word-Jade-somewhere ZX401KO'''''IJJKHGGJGJ*&^ starcruiser. She is flying along, thinking she's da bomb, when a shadowy figure approaches from behind her captains' chair. It starts to fold its hands around her neck and squeeze.  
  
Mara: Eeek! Uh, I mean, how dare you actually attack Mara Jade?! Who do you think you are?!  
  
Shadowy figure: I am C-3P0, a protocol droid. I am fluent in over seven.um, six. no, eight and a half million.oh drat, I can't remember!  
  
Mara: Threepio, what are you doing here?  
  
Threepio: Well, Mistress Mara, I was--  
  
Mara: ExcEUse me? What did you call me?  
  
Threepio: (under his mechanical breath) There IS no excEUse for you. (Out loud) I meant, Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse Mara, I was taking a nap on your ship when it suddenly took off.  
  
Mara: D***, guess I'm stuck with you. Oh, wait, no I'm not.  
  
Mara reaches to the back of Threepio's neck and turns him off.  
  
Mara: Much better.  
  
Suddenly, (Musical Sting), Threepio reactivates.  
  
Mara: Hey! I thought that I turned you off.  
  
Threepio: You do.  
  
Mara: That's it! You're screwed, you gay droid, you!  
  
Mara whips out her lightsaber and attacks C-3PO, knocking him to the floor. She manages to slice off half his head. One optical nerve glows yellow. Then, with a (Musical Sting), he stands up again. The optical nerve goes from yellow to red. The hideous-looking thing looks at Mara and grins terrifyingly.  
  
Threepio: (in a strange, accented voice) I told you I'd be back.  
  
Mara: Um, huh?  
  
Threepio: Und now. it is time for you to die.  
  
He charges at Mara, who forgets that she is a Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, and the most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse. She drops her lightsaber, screams, and runs like a girly-girl to an escape pod.  
  
Threepio: Come out, ittle girly-girl. I am here to pump (claps hands) you up!  
  
The escape pod, named the JamesCameron, launches. Mara is running around inside, screaming as loud as she can. She did not notice the second escape pod launch from her Really-fast-souped-up-means-more-to-her-than-life- itself-really-cool-ultra-powerful-all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips-with-a-really- cool-name-including-the-word-Jade-somewhere ZX401KO'''''IJJKHGGJGJ*&^ starcruiser.  
  
Inside the second pod: Threepio: Yes, run away as fast as you can. But I'll catch you.. I'm ze gingerbread man! (Maniacal Mechanical Laughter).  
  
Meanwhile, Mara has landed in a forest on a nearby moon. As she exits her pod, she notices a trio of alien teenagers having a debate.  
  
Girl: NO, I said. oh, f*** you.  
  
Boy #1: No, f*** you!  
  
Boy #2: No, f*** both of you!  
  
Girl: Screw you guys, I'm going home!  
  
Boy #1: But we're lost in the f******* woods, you f******* idiot!  
  
Girl: Don't f****** tell me I'm a f******* idiot you ****************************.  
  
Boy #2: ***********************************  
  
Girl: **********************************  
  
Boy #1: ********************************  
  
Mara walks over.  
  
Girl, Boy 1 & 2: AAHHHHHH!!!! It's the Scare B****!  
  
Mara: Oh, shut the f*** up, all of you.  
  
After a few minutes of asterisks, they all finally settle down.  
  
Mara: Where am I?  
  
Girl: Huh.  
  
Mara: Huh, what?  
  
The mysterious Man in Black appeared.  
  
Man in Black: No, you're on the fifth planet in the Where sector. This planet is called Huh. Okay? Okay.  
  
The Man in Black disappeared into a nearby plot hole. You won't be seeing him again.  
  
Girl: I'm Joanne, and this is John and Anthony. We're trying to make a documentary about the Scare B****, but we got lost in the woods. Now we just wander around in circles and curse each other uselessly. At night we are attacked by mysterious creatures that we hear but never really see. Probably, very soon, we will start disappearing one by one.  
  
Mara: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Anthony: Aren't you afraid of the Scare B****?  
  
Joanne: Why should she be? They're probably sisters.  
  
Mara: How DARE you?! Who do you think you are?!  
  
John: Well, who do you think YOU are?  
  
Mara: (sniffing) I'll have you know that I am a Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, and the most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse!  
  
Anthony: If you're a Jedi, where's your lightsaber?  
  
Joanne: And why aren't you wearing your Jedi robes?  
  
John: And why don't you just use your goddesslike Jedi powers to get out of this forest?  
  
Mara: Because, um, I have morning sickness.  
  
Joanne: It's four o'clock in the aftern--  
  
Mara: I don't have to explain my perfect self to you! Now, let's get going! It'll be dark soon.  
  
The teens and Mara trek through the forest. Mara whines about all the mosquitoes. When it gets too dark to see, they make camp. Just as they fall asleep (musical sting) a shadowy figure approaches the tent.  
  
Joanne: (waking with a start) What in the worlds is THAT?! Oh, it's horrible! Horrible!  
  
Anthony: What, what?  
  
Joanne: Mara wet the bed!  
  
John, Joanne, and Anthony: EUUUU!!!  
  
John: Let's go sleep outside!  
  
Anthony: With the shadowy creature lurking around out there? Okay, sounds like a plan.  
  
The three teens walk outside. A voice is heard..  
  
Voice: Come vith me if you vant to. DIE!!! HAHAHA!!  
  
Screams are heard fading into the night. Mara, asleep in a pool of urine, doesn't hear a thing.  
  
Upon waking the next morning, Mara discovers the kids are gone.  
  
Mara: Oh, well.  
  
Mara treks through the forest all day long. At nightfall, she somehow stumbles upon an old abandoned hanger.  
  
Mara: Hmm, maybe there's a craft in there I can use to get off this awful place. Everything around here smells like pee.  
  
As Mara approaches the hanger, watching from a distance are the three teenagers and Threepio. The teens pull off their masks to reveal Jaina, Jacen, and Anakin Solo. (Yes, the Solo-babies are actually good for something in this story). Threepio is standing off to one side. They all grin and laugh.  
  
Jaina: This is going to be a long night, my dear Aunt Mara. 


	3. Mara Transformed

Disclaimer: See pg. 1  
  
[A/N] I decided to just post everything at once so I can work on my other fics. Merry Christmas! It's the only present you're getting! -wink-  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Mara Transformed  
  
  
  
Mara cautiously enters the hanger. Her tall, lithe body slips along like a shadow. She enters a hanger bay, banging her red-tressed head soundly on a low doorway.  
  
Mara: OW! D*** doorway! That wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
She starts crying like a girly-girl.  
  
Mysterious Voice: So, you have come to me at last.  
  
Mara: (sniffling) No, I didn't. I'm looking for a ship so I can get off this horrible planet!  
  
Mysterious Voice: (surprised) You mean you didn't hear me calling you through the Force?  
  
Mara: (still crying) Well, I'm using the Force version 3.0. You might not have used a compatible type of the Force.  
  
Mysterious Voice: The Force version 3.0? What the hell is that?  
  
Mara: Oh, go read the Exploited Universe thread by Darth Holliday on theforce.net's message board.  
  
Mysterious Voice: Mara, you really aren't a Jedi, are you? In fact, you're not even Force sensitive, are you?  
  
Mara: (recovering her senses) Yes, I am! In fact, I am--  
  
Mysterious Voice: Yeah, yeah, Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse, we've all heard it by now. But what matters is not who YOU are, Mara, but who I am.  
  
Mara: Who the f*** do you think you are, you mysterious voice, you!  
  
Mysterious Voice: Look over to your right, Mara. No, that's your left. I said your right. No, not behind you! (exasperated) Oh, just stand still.  
  
The massive darkandkewl throne five feet to Mara's right, which for some reason is on a swivel-base, swivels around to reveal. . .  
  
Mara: Luke!  
  
Mysterious Voice: No, it is not Luke. It is I, LLLUUUKKKEEE!  
  
Mara: Did I miss something?  
  
Llluuukkkeee: You always do. Remember that clone of Luke Skywalker you killed in.umm.whatever the hell that book was?  
  
Mara: Yeah.  
  
Luuuke: Well, I'm a clone of that clone. My name is. . . . Llluuukkkeee! But my clone friends call me Luke^3.  
  
Mara: And I should care because. . .  
  
Luke^3: (smiling evilly) Because I'm an eeeevil clone! Because I'm going to kill you, my pretty. (cackles) And your little dog, too!  
  
Mara: I don't have a dog.  
  
Luke^3: Oh. Well, then I'll go buy a dog. . . give him to you. . . wait for you to become emotionally attached to him. . . and THEN I'll kill him! HAHAHA!  
  
Mara: (horrified) You fiend! Um. . . Shouldn't that be Mwahahahaha?  
  
Luke^3: Hey, when you make a clone of a clone, the end product is really screwed up. Blame it on George Bush.  
  
Space crickets stop chirping.  
  
Mara: Um. . . who?  
  
Luke^3: Never mind.  
  
Space crickets resume chirping.  
  
  
  
Luke^3: Anyway, my creator has trained me from an early age to kill you.  
  
Mara: Who WAS your creator? Thrawn? The Emperor? Joruus C'bao--  
  
Luke^3: (in a rage) DON'T SAY THAT NAME!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!  
  
Luke ^3 goes into a fury, smashing stuff, looking very much like General Thade from Planet of the Apes.  
  
Mara: (backing away) Okay, I'll just be taking a ship and leaving now. . .  
  
Luke^3: NO. No, you won't, Mara. Your pitiful existence ends here, at my hands.  
  
He ignites a green lightsaber, and then ignites a blue one and tosses it to Mara. She doesn't catch it, and it cuts a hole through the floor and disappears.  
  
Luke^3: Aww, d*** , that was the only spare I had. Jeez, you suck! The Force must have just up and abandoned you. Guess I'll have to kill you without a good fight first.  
  
Mara: Yeah? Well, I'm full of surprises!  
  
She whips a manicure kit out of her purse and begins doing her nails.  
  
Luke^3: Um. . .what are you doing? I'm about to strike thee down with all mine vengeance, with levels of violence bordering on medieval.  
  
Mara: Yeah, yeah, chum, hang on.  
  
She puts on a final top coat.  
  
Mara: Ah-ha! En guard!  
  
Ten tiny lightsabers sprout from her fingers, all glowing hot pink.  
  
Luke^3: (he gasps) Oh, no! You have the "Transform Your Nails Into Mini- Lightsabers" travel kit-- only by Bad Idea, Inc., of course.  
  
Mara: That's right! From the people who brought you The Force for Dummies and the Home Cremation Kit for Jedi not in Tune with the Unifying Force (patent pending)--it's the "Transform Your Nails Into Mini-Lightsabers" travel kit. Now available for 39.95- a small price to pay for whupping your a**!  
  
She launches herself at Luke^3, but because she is an incredible klutz, she misses by a mile and runs straight into a wall. Luke^3 comes after her with his lightsaber, but because he is a clone of a clone, he trips on his shoelaces and cuts off his own left leg.  
  
Luke^3: OOOWWW! That's gonna leave a mark.  
  
Mara gets up to attack him, but before she can.  
  
Luke^3: Help me, Spot!  
  
Mara: Spot?  
  
A spotted llama ambles over. It starts chewing on Luke^3's fake Jedi robe.  
  
Luke^3: No, Spot, her! Get HER!  
  
Mara: What IS that?  
  
Luke^3: It's a llama. It pushes back the Force.  
  
Mara: You idiot, that's yslama. . . salami. . . yslumm. . .um. . . it's not a llama that does that!  
  
Luke^3: Uh. . . it's not? Well. . . it has other powers!  
  
Mara turns off her Nail-Sabers and walks over to the llama, who has eaten Luke^3' s robe. Now all he is wearing is a pair of boxers that have a picture of a fish on them and black lettering reading, "Nice Bass."  
  
Mara: What, does it kill by being cute? Hey Spot, nice Spot. . .  
  
She begins to pet the llama. As she does, a sudden change comes over her. . .  
  
Mara: Hey, I feel. . . wEUird. . .  
  
She pulls a mirror from her purse and looks at herself. She is no longer a beautiful, thin, goddesslike diEUty. Her nose is stretched a foot from her face. Her flaming red hair is gone. Her formerly tan skin is a mottled brownish-green color. The hand holding the mirror suddenly develops webbing between the fingers.  
  
Mara: Oh no, not that! Anything but that!  
  
Luke^3: (nearly dead from loss of blood) Oh, yes. The powers of the llama are indeed strange and wonderful. (He dies.) (He raises his head again.) And they're permanent.(He dies again.)(Then he raises his head again.) Mwahahaha! So there, b****! (He dies for the last time.)  
  
Mara: No! Oh, no, dis is bad! Dis is berry, berry bombad! Oh, poodoo!  
  
The lovely Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse Mara Jade has been turned into. . . A GUNGAN!  
  
(Musical Sting)  
  
The next morning, bemoaning her bombad condition, Mara somehow manages to get into a ship and fly away from planet Huh. As her ship burns through the atmosphere into space, the llama looks up at the sky and grins. It starts laughing. The llama costume drops away to reveal Han Solo in the front and Lando Calrissian in the back.  
  
Han: That magic potion the witch from Darthomir gave us really did the trick!  
  
Lando: Yeah, no kidding, you old llama you!  
  
Han: (snickering) This is going to be a long night, my dear Mara.  
  
Lando: But it's ten in the morning.  
  
Han: Well, how else are we going to end the chapter?  
  
The space crickets stop chirping.  
  
Lando: Chapter?  
  
Han: Never mind.  
  
The space crickets resume chirping.  
  
Han: (snickering again) Yes, a VERY long night. 


	4. Mara Dances Dirty, AKA Attack of the EUs

Disclaimer: See pg. 1  
  
[A/N] Beware-- there is serious bashing of EU fanboys in this chapter. Do NOT read any further if that offends you.[/]  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Mara Dances Dirty  
  
A.K.A. Attack of the EUS  
  
When we last saw the Gungan formerly known as Mara Jade, she was in a starship of some type (does anybody really care about the d*** ship??), flying really fast towards the planet What in the Where sector. We pick up our story. . . .  
  
  
  
Mara: When meesa find dat skank Leia, meesa gonna kill dat b**** for getting meesa inta dis poodo!  
  
As she flies past a giant space billboard advertising Sithlemania, a space cop on a space speeder clocks her going way over the space speed limit. He stops eating his space donuts and drinking his space coffee and takes off after her, his space lights flashing and his specially modified-for-space sirens blaring. Mara pulls over to the side of the, um, space, and the space cop lands his speeder inside her ship.  
  
Mara: Maybe meesa can use meesa's femynin charmins. . .  
  
As the space cop walks over, Mara begins taking off her dress, displaying her Gungan ?censored?.  
  
Mara: (seductively) Can meesa. . . HELP yousa, offisah?  
  
Space Cop: You sure can, little lady. (Drawing blaster and sinking to one knee) Put the dress ON! NOW!  
  
Mara: (pulling the dress even lower) Whasa wrong, meesta?  
  
Space Cop: Oh, why did this have to happen on my birthday!  
  
Mara: Yousa birfday? (singing in an off-off-key voice while shaking all eight of her Gungan ?censored?) Happy birfday, meesta space cop...  
  
Space Cop: (thinking)I heard this was exactly what happened to Anakin Skywalker before he went to the dark side. . . (Out loud) Put it on or I'll shoot!  
  
Mara: Shoot meesa? Who the poodo do yousa think yousa be?  
  
Space Cop: (thinking) Steady now, don't let it get to you. (out loud) Meesa be-- I mean, I'm the one holding the blaster!  
  
Mara: Yousa never met meesa, meesa tink. Meesa be Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse!  
  
A few hours after the space cop dropped dead from laughter, Mara was back on her way (with her Gungan ?censored? covered up, thank God). Somehow, by some miracle, she reaches the planet What and lands safely. As she disembarks from her ship, the two people who had been controlling the space cop, who was a really lifelike droid, watch her from a distance. They smile and laugh softly.  
  
Talon Karrde: What did I ever see in that slut?  
  
Chewbacca: Roooaarr! (D***** if I know. At least she'll die in the next chapter.)  
  
The space crickets stop chirping.  
  
Talon Karrde: Chapter?  
  
Chewbacca: Grooowl. (Never mind.)  
  
The space crickets resume chirping.  
  
Talon Karrde: This is going to be a long --  
  
Author: Excuse me! I'm typing here!  
  
EU supporter #1: NOOO!! YOU CAN'T!!  
  
Author: Umm. . . who are you?  
  
EU supporter #2: Icefire Queen, you can't kill the goddess. . .I mean, Mara Jade! And furthermore, whoever heard of anyone in Star Wars actually ending up where they were going?  
  
Author: How did you get into my house? And why are you wearing bathrobes? God, no, don't take them off!  
  
EU supporter #3: (imitating Jedi mind trick) It does not matter. You will not kill the goddess. . . I mean, Mara Jade. You will make her the hero of your story. . .  
  
Author: Dude, what have you been drinking?  
  
EU supporter #2: Colaa. Here, have some Colaa. Become one of us.  
  
EU supporters: (hypnotically) One of us. . .  
  
Author: Oh, I get it. You're mad because I'm showing that your beloved Mara is really as beautiful as a Gungan, as intelligent as a mynock, and has the Force capabilities of a Rancor.  
  
EU supporter #3: Slander!  
  
EU supporter #1: Heresy!  
  
EU supporter #2: Hershey!  
  
Author: Hershey?  
  
EU supporter #2: Yeah, can I have that Hershey bar?  
  
Author: It's two months old. . . (he eats it) . . . umm, sure. . look, I've got to hurry up and finish this story.  
  
EU supporter #3: NO! You will not assassinate our beloved Mara! MURDERER!  
  
EU supporter #1: TRAITOR!  
  
EU supporter #2: I think that was used gum in a Hershey wrapper. . .  
  
Author: You DO realize that there was never a REAL character named Mara Jade, right? I mean, that was just a character that Zahn--  
  
EU supporters: (bowing their heads) The Master!  
  
Author: --yeah, right, uh, just a character that he made up to interest adolescent fanboys such as yourselves?  
  
EU supporter #1: Enough of this!  
  
EU supporter #3: The time has come for you to meet your doom!  
  
EU supporter #2: Allow us to introduce you to. . . our Invincible Rays of Death!  
  
Author: Aren't those the plastic lightsabers that glow in the dark? My kid cousin has one like that.  
  
EU supporter #1: The end for you this is, Queen!  
  
Author: Um. . . could you please stop hitting me? Not that it hurts or anything, but I have to. . . err. . . go and write a scene about Mara doing a striptease for a space cop.  
  
EU supporters: Ohhhh. . . full-frontal nudity. . . *drool  
  
EU supporter #3: Maybe you're not so bad after all, Icefire.  
  
EU supporter #1: Be sure to call the cop a fancy name!  
  
Author: Sure, guys. Whatever you say. Hey, speaking of names, did you know the title of Episode II is out? It's Attack of the Clones.  
  
EU supporters: (they explode)  
  
Author: Good thing I remembered what sort of effect the title has on members of the EUS. Anyway, maybe I'll add this into my story to explain the reason why I made everyone suffer through the horror of a Gungan-Mara striptease.  
  
D***, now I have to clean up this EUS mess. And with my luck, George Bush will clone them.  
  
It's going to be a long night- for me as well as for our dear Mara. 


	5. Mara's Last Family Reunion

Disclaimer: See pg. 1  
  
[A/N] Beware: lots more Mara bashing and a blonde joke. I KNOW she's not blonde, just read. . . if you dare! If this offends you, just. . . stop. . . reading! But if you made it through the last chapter without flaming me then you should be okay to finish this.[/]  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Mara's Last Family Reunion  
  
  
  
After landing on What in the Where sector. . .  
  
Mara: Leia? Wheresa be yousa? Leiiiaaaa!!  
  
Leia: (stepping out from behind a big rock) Here I am, Mara. That IS you, isn't it? My, that potion Han and Lando used really worked!  
  
Mara: WHAT? Potion? What yousa mean, b****?  
  
Leia b****-slaps Mara and throws her against the big rock.  
  
Leia: In case you haven't noticed, Mara dear, your entire journey was set up to make you miserable, turn you into a disgusting creature, degrade you, prove that you have no Force powers, and--  
  
Luke: (appearing suddenly) To bring you here.  
  
Mara: Luke! Whasa yousa doing here?!  
  
Luke: Mara, I want a divorce.  
  
Mara: A DIVORCE! Who the poodo do yousa think yousa be?  
  
Luke: (looking unbearably handsome) Who am I? I am the New Hope. I am the son of the Chosen One. I am the strongest-and the only-Jedi Master in the Universe. And I want a divorce.  
  
Han: (suddenly appearing) I don't know why he ever married you in the first place.  
  
Jaina: (appearing suddenly) Or why he was ever attracted to you.  
  
Anakin: (suddenly appearing) Or why anyone thought you could use the Force.  
  
Jacen: (appearing suddenly) Or why you were ever born.  
  
Threepio: (suddenly appearing with Artoo) Or why you are so popular with the EUS even though you're a b****.  
  
Artoo: BEEEP! (Or why I wasn't in this story!)  
  
Talon Karrde: (appearing suddenly) Or why Luke couldn't marry someone with a personality.  
  
Chewbacca: (suddenly appearing) Rrooarr! (Or why you're such an airhead even though you're not a blonde.)  
  
Lando: (appearing suddenly) Or why anyone thinks your hair color is natural.  
  
Everyone looks at Lando.  
  
Lando: What?  
  
Man in Black: (suddenly appearing) Don't even think about it.  
  
Lando: Think about what?  
  
Man in Black: Don't make me release the robotic Richard Simmons.  
  
Lando: Okay, fine, forget about the classic comedy routine.  
  
Leia: By the way, who are you?  
  
Man in Black: My name is. Runnin Gaag!  
  
Everyone but Mara: Ohhh. I get it now!  
  
Mara: Yousa all get what?  
  
The space crickets hawk loogies at her.  
  
Mara: EEEUUU!!  
  
Luke: Mara, I want a divorce.  
  
Mara: But meesa pregnant with yousa's baby!  
  
Luke: Mara, you can't be pregnant. I could never bring myself to sleep with YOU. Even being near you makes me sick. (under his breath) "Bonding through the Force" my lightsaber.  
  
Leia: So, are you going to sign the papers?  
  
Mara: Meesa not signin' NOTHING!  
  
Han: Is that your final answer?  
  
Mara: Dat meesa's final answer.  
  
Lando: (grinning) We were hoping you would say that.  
  
Luke: There's a law here on planet What that says. . . Leia?  
  
Leia reads from a datapad: If any Jedi wants to divorce his wifEU because she is a total b****, but the b**** won't sign the papers, the Jedi, his family, and his friends have permission to turn her into a Gungan and then kill her.  
  
Han: I'm really starting to have a lot of respect for the law.  
  
Lando: Who says the system doesn't work?  
  
Jaina: So guess what, Aunt Mara?  
  
Luke, Leia, and the Solo Babies activate their lightsabers. Han, Lando, and Karrde pull out their blasters. Chewbacca aims his crossbow. Threepio and Artoo grab switchblades.  
  
Luke: Any last words?  
  
Mara: Yousa, yousa, yousa Jedi, yousa!  
  
Leia: R.I.P., slut!  
  
Mara: Meesa have a bombad feeling about-- (dies slowly and painfully) 


	6. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Just to let you know, in previous chapters and here in the Epilogue I used a few references to things including but not limited to Sithlemania, the Force Version 3.0, and Climbo. These are not my ideas, they are concepts taken from stories by various authors on the TF.N message boards. Read my postscript at the bottom for more details. Thanks to them for the great ideas!  
  
~Epilogue~  
  
  
  
Man in White Robe: Next.  
  
Mara: Is thisa heaven?  
  
Man in White Robe: Afraid not. Welcome to Climbo, where Star Wars characters go after they're killed but before they're cloned by EU authors. Hmm. . . what's this?  
  
He pulls a sticky note in Luke's handwriting from the front of Mara's sexy Gungan dress.  
  
Man in White Robe: (reading) Do not return to sender.  
  
Voice: Wowsa, dat is one sexy Gungan!  
  
Mara: Whosa said dat?  
  
Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, baby, whatsa YOUSA name? (pinches Mara's butt) Wesa gonna spend LOTSA time togedder.  
  
Mara: Dis is gonna be a long afterlife.  
  
  
  
~ THE END ~  
  
  
  
[A/N: Postscript] * Takes a bow * Thank you, thank you! I quite enjoyed that myself. -evil grin- To get the most out of this story and really understand some of the references to inside jokes (Colaa, the Force Version 3.0, The Force for Dummies, Sithlemania, and Climbo) do as Mara the Uberbitch said in chapter three and pay a visit to theforce.net message boards. There is a HUGE thread under the "Movies" category in the "Attack of the Clones Spoilers" forum entitled "A Great Scene for the EU- Exploited Universe" by Darth Holliday. We are the Ex-EU, and we are strong!! If you liked this story and hate the EU, there are many other hilarious Ex-EU stories posted under that thread by many different authors, most of whom write better than I do. Fellow Ex-EUers are always welcome, and we have many friends who actually support the EU as well, but flamers beware! The thread has been around for a year and a half and we have survived more attacks than the Millennium Falcon. If you go, PM me! I'm Icefire_Queen, same as here but with a _ between Icefire and Queen. Once again, thank you![/] 


End file.
